More than 100 people participated in a discussion of “The Likeability Trap: How to Break Free and Succeed as You Are,” hosted on March 15 by the Acxiom Women Lead business resource group. Author Alicia Menendez is a​ journalist, multimedia storyteller​, host of “American Voices” on MSNBC and has been named “Broadcast Journalism’s New Gladiator” by Elle magazine and “Ms. Millennial” by the Washington Post.​ It was a great book club event sponsored by Women LEAD with more than 100 attendees. It was powerful to hear so many of our Acxiom associates share their own relatable stories. Here are a few highlights from the book and the discussion.

“Just be likeable” …

What does this even mean? According to the Webster dictionary, likeability is defined as “the quality of being readily or easily liked.”.

Likeability bias has been around a long time. In general, we expect men to be assertive, so when they lead, it is natural. However, we expect women to be communal; the more assertive they act, the less likeable they become. And this situation escalates when likeability intersects with race, ethnicity, sexual orientation, and parental status. 

Quoting the author: For women and for anyone with a minority identity, being told to “be ourselves” at work feels a bit like a dangerous dare. It is like, “Roll the dice and see if your authenticity resonates” … ¹

Likeability can lead women to rethink how to act in certain situations in their day-to-day work environment. It can make them consider appearances and even relationships more closely. The likeability trap can also affect women in their personal lives. They may avoid taking risks or pursuing their passions for fear of not being liked. However, despite our best efforts, no one has control over how much other people like us and we cannot, and we should not change who we are or our identity markers.

It is important to note that likeability should not be confused with popularity or the need to be liked by everyone. It’s impossible to please everyone; trying to do so can have the opposite effect and can be exhausting. Instead, we must focus on being true to ourselves and building genuine connections with those around us.

We want people to like us. Who doesn’t? It’s a reality that people prefer to work with, hang out with, and do business with the people they like. The question is, as much as we want to be likeable …. at what cost? And how much are we willing to sacrifice from our true selves to be likeable? How do we overcome this and still be successful? If likeability and success are negatively correlated for women, how can we get out of that trap? 

To change the bias, we all must play a part. Having a more diverse workforce is imperative, and building a culture of inclusion, a culture where differences are recognized and celebrated is a must. Having a strong support network can help women overcome the likeability trap. Mentors, peers, or friends who can offer guidance, support, and encouragement can be an important factor as well.

Overcoming the likeability trap requires a shift in our mindset and behaviors. This may involve challenging gender stereotypes and expectations, learning to assert ourselves confidently and respectfully, and taking risks. It’s important to recognize that being respected and achieving one’s goals are more important than being liked; however, it is possible to be both assertive and likeable.

The likeability trap is a real phenomenon that affects many women in their personal and professional lives. It is a bias that must be recognized. Getting over it requires a combination of self-awareness, authenticity, assertiveness, risk-taking, support, and goal-setting. By embracing these principles, we should be able to break free from the likeability trap and achieve our full potential in all aspects of our lives.

Final advice from the author: Look within. Focus on self-awareness. Make your vision seen and understood rather than focusing on having others like you. Consider what your efforts to be “liked” are costing you. Understand that being relatable and likeable aren’t the same thing. Focus on connection, not approval. Know whose opinion matters. And above all, know that YOU matter.​²

Special recognition to my teammates on the book club subcommittee – Chris Donaldson, Ashley Peach, and Sunaina Chaudhary – for the amazing job they did organizing and leading our discussions. Their passion for literature and thoughtful insights made our meetings engaging and informative. Their attention to detail and commitment to making our book club a success truly made a difference.

​^1,2 Alicia Menendez, The Likeability Trap: How to Break Free and Succeed as You Are